as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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