I think i sorta joined a cult last night
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
