Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
