Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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