just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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