Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
