Betty ford says i'm here all night
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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