In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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