i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
