just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
