if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
