i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize