my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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