You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
