You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
