So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
