May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
did you just send me my own nude
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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