I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
