I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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