You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Is Oprah even human
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
