I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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