if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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