I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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