Soap is not a condiment
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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