I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
