My liver just broke up with me...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
COCAINE IS GR8
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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