I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
