You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
