I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
