My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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