I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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