Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
