Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
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