just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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