It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
