I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
