[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
