Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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