I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
