so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
