I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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