I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
