ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
