I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
