fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can tuck mytits in my pants
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
