dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
