i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
