my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
