Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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