Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
