i need an iv and a liver transplant
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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