I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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