Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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