if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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