I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
