My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
