I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
