My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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