How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
