Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
